The Weight of Reputation
by moonlightBuffy
Summary: My idea of what the beginning of Loras and Renly's relationship was like. Renly's POV. "Anyone he had ever met at Storm's End, who possessed even half of Loras' looks, had all been conceited and with larger appetites than what Renly thought acceptable when it came to women and wine. He hoped Loras was different."


Note: I haven't finished the books (yet) so I don't know if there's any detail of their background that I got wrong. The only thing I can think of at the moment is their ages. I'm not sure if there was an age difference between them in the books (or at least a big one) but for the sake of this fic, I'm making them of the same age. I suppose it's more inspired by the TV series than the books. So yeah, TV!ASOIAF verse. Hope you'll enjoy it any way.

I.

Renly couldn't barely remember a time before he was lord of Storm's End. Prior to his elevation he could recall fragments of his previous life, mainly pronounced meaningless, dreary events. Everything had been about the war but at that age, all he had known was that it meant that he couldn't play outside the castle walls, wasn't allowed to have fun... Suddenly the war ended and he was surrounded by subjects and the riches that he had lacked in his childhood.

Really, as far as Renly was concerned his life was a sequence of grey and boredom; filled with people telling him what to do and throwing words like expectation and honour around like they meant something. However, it didn't take long to figure out that often those that those who most required him to cling to these elusive ideals sought to bend him to their will. It perhaps wasn't King's Landing but he was young and could be impressed upon. Storm's End was filled with riches and riches made even the most loyal men doubt their allegiance. Often, Renly couldn't help feel like a prey being protected by predators.

But that was all he could remember. He didn't remember his parents and rarely saw his brothers... Not to mention that he was certain that Stannis despised the sight of him. When he had been very young, he had attempted to make Stannis smile and like him more but he was beginning to realise that was an impossible task. He had to make his family elsewhere. Not that anyone had time to listen to sentimental wishes of a seven year old in a castle where money was sovereign and everyone its loyal subjects.

One day, everything changed. He was sitting on his throne granting requests and listening to petitions when suddenly one of his advisors emerged with a curious sight. Looming in the shadows of the man's large frame, Renly could spot a boy about the same age as himself with curls the same colour as the sun. He did not know it at the time but those golden curls would be the first speck of light that would change his life. Like the first rays of sunshine after a long night.

"My lord," his advisor spoke up, "this is Loras Tyrell, the third son of Mace Tyrell of Highgarden."

Renly remembered his advisors telling him about the Tyrells. They had opposed Robert in the war and now he hoped to return to favour by sending his youngest son to be fostered at Storm's End as a sign of good will.

Suddenly the small boy emerged, looking up at him with unusual confidence. His eyes were very bright. "With my lord's permission," he began what was obviously a rehearsed speech. Then again, most of this was only for show as everything had already been decided. "It would be an honour to serve you as your page."

Renly nodded. "You want to be a knight one day?" Renly didn't appreciate jousting and tournaments as much as other men but it was pleasant enough to watch as long as no one expected him to be in them. It seemed as though the boy in front of him might have such ambitions.

The blonde boy didn't blink, his eyes never wavering from his. "Yes."

Renly could see some of the people in the room exchanging amused glances amongst themselves. No older than eight and already arrogant, they undoubtedly thought. He paid them no mind. He had always thought his advisors underestimated him, laughed at him because of his own youth. They humoured him, but when it came to important things they were very reluctant to listen to their young lord. He was too young to understand, they argued, even though he had spent his entire life amongst these men and knew them as well as he knew himself.

"I see. I hope you'll be at home here at Storm's End."

Even though he was a traitor's son, Renly couldn't deny that the idea of being friends with the boy in front of him was an interesting one. Though he could already imagine what the boy was like behind closed doors. Anyone he had ever met at Storm's End, who possessed even half of Loras' looks, had all been conceited and with larger appetites than what Renly thought acceptable when it came to women and wine. He hoped Loras was different.

II.

It had been raining for days but today had been the first day of sunshine in what seemed an eternity. Underneath the shade of a large oak tree, Renly could hear the faint sound of birds singing and everything was peaceful. He could stay there all day.

"You are not listening to me," Loras sounded more than a little annoyed.

"Oh, sorry," Renly apologised and sat up, devoting new attention to his friend located at the end of his feet.

Over the years, Renly had come to appreciate Loras and he supposed that they were friends of a kind, but as they were growing older, Renly couldn't help but feel a certain resentment towards his blonde companion. It seemed like Loras became prettier by each day and undoubtedly more aware of it as Renly thought it scarcely escaped anyone that he had the prettiest page in all the Seven Kingdoms, whom made him look like an awkward oaf in comparison. They had been in King's Landing last month and the way that the girls had giggled in Loras' presence had been impossible to ignore. He had never inspired such antics in anyone. Compared to his friend, he was boring and plain even though he was a lord.

Loras' golden eyes narrowed as they burned with unmasked irritation. "I was telling you about the duel."

He had heard about that duel probably a hundred times since it happened and so had the entire kingdom. Even though it had all been in good natured fun the way that Loras had disarmed a man twice his size and age had been the talk of King's Landing. By the end of the day, it had developed into a tale of the noble squire Loras Tyrell's bravery, how he had saved a lady's reputation from a rude knight. It had been far from the truth of course, but people loved a good story.

"I've already heard about it. I was there, remember?" He probably didn't. Too wrapped up in himself and his stupid duels, no doubt.

Judging by the way Loras stared at him, Renly was certain he had perceived the hint of... well, he supposed it was jealousy but not really jealousy as such. He wasn't jealous of Loras. "What's that supposed to mean?" Loras wasn't annoyed any more, he was angry.

"The way you crave people's attention, it's pathetic."

"You're the one to talk! Never in my life have I met anyone so desperate to be loved by everyone. Even people the people who offend you, you treat with kindness even though they should be punished. If anyone's pathetic, it's you."

The silence that followed was painful. Both froze seemingly in shock of their own words and every second seemed like an instant as the two stared at each other. Loras' expression softened as soon as the words left his mouth but Renly didn't care. His ears were still ringing with Loras' insults and he had never been this angry before. Unsure of what possessed him, he saw his closed fist collided with Loras' cheek. His friend stumbled in surprise and for a moment, Renly regretted it. But he deserved it. Suddenly, feeling as though he couldn't stay another moment in Loras' presence, Renly stood up and left his squire underneath the oak tree, alone. He didn't have any interest in speaking to Loras for the rest of the day.

III.

It surprised him how long their argument lasted. Perhaps it was his own stubbornness that caused him to speak more than a word to Loras for three days. It wasn't so much that he thought Loras didn't regret what he said but more that the words still stung. He hadn't called him pathetic but Loras had, in the heat of the moment. Perhaps he was angry with Loras because it felt as though he was right. Renly supposed he could live with being pathetic but he didn't want Loras to think so of him. He was his only true friend. Or so he had at least thought. He was going to start being a squire in a few weeks, so perhaps Loras thought himself above being friends with him now.

At least in the privacy of his own chambers Renly didn't have to pretend to be happy about it. He didn't want to be as miserable a lord as Robert seemed to be these days. He wanted people to enjoy being at Storm's End, which he supposed was a bit like wanting people to like him. Sometimes he hated Loras' perceptiveness.

As he was about to undress for bed, the door opened and Loras came into his bedchamber. Surprised, Renly stared at him for a moment. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to check that your armour was in order," Loras replied quickly.

"And that couldn't wait until morning?" He supposed it was a little bit unfair but it seemed like seeing Loras was enough to continue his annoyance. He was being unfair but for once he didn't seem to care.

"Look, I didn't mean what I said." The way Loras face softened made Renly uncomfortable and contrary to Loras' wishes, he looked away. Loras however refused to be ignored and stood in front of him, so close that he couldn't look away. His hands held his arms on each side to keep him still. His grip was gentle but as far as Renly was concerned, it might as well be of steel. "I was just angry. You hurt me so I wanted to hurt you."

Renly was perhaps still in many ways young, but he knew that men weren't supposed to admit to being hurt and apologise about it later. Men were supposed to have tempers as steady as rock, never be swayed too much to either extreme. He also perhaps knew in the back of his mind that apologises should not be made to other men at night in their bed chambers. But these were of course facts that he tried not to think about.

"Hurt me? Friends don't want to hurt each other. What I said was accidental, what you said was deliberate."

"Really?" He didn't know why Loras was smiling. It made him uncomfortable. He tried to look away but wherever he tried to look he only seemed to be able to find Loras' eyes. "You know that I don't like all that attention. I like attention if it's because I'm good, not... other stuff."

Renly wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about. Who didn't appreciate admiration? He himself would have been very content if he was considered beautiful. Unfortunately, next to Loras that would never happen.

"I don't like fighting with you. I want things to go back to the way they were," Loras continued and seemed to lean in closer than before. Renly tried his best to ignore the feelings it stirred within him and the details he shouldn't be paying attention to. Like how Loras' eyes were the brightest eyes he had ever seen and how underneath all that envy over Loras' beauty there was something else, lying dormant that he never tried to think about.

"Friends?" Loras suggested softly, almost like a whisper, and for a brief moment Renly found that no amount of denial was as strong as the secrets he tried to keep hidden. He nodded slowly, swallowing lightly in attempt to regain control of the mind that was now running away from him. He moved an inch closer for no apparent reason and the small part of his brain that he was still in possession of seemed to tremble in fear at his audacity. He didn't know what he was doing or why but any doubt washed away as he looked upon the smile that followed on Loras' face. This was okay. This wasn't wrong.

He didn't think when Loras closed the gap between them and he didn't think when Loras' lips touched his. It took him a minute to realise what they were doing but within that minute, it was as though the spirit that had possessed him roared in wholehearted approval. As though it had wanted to do nothing else for years.

Renly suddenly pulled away, confused and slightly afraid. He had learned very young that if people did not love you, they would seek to find your weakness, to gain control over you. Everything was fair in the quest for power. The only true lord people seemed to have was the lord of money. Was Loras one of these men?

"What's the matter?" Loras whispered.

It was the ice cold dread within him that empowered him to return to sense. "We..." he began but unsure how to conclude. Instead what remained unsaid hung as a ghost over them, haunting the silence that encompassed them.

"It's all right. No one has to know. We are good friends, are we not... my lord?" The wicked smile that spread over his warm face was more charming than anything the Gods could offer and impossible to resist. When Loras kissed him again, Renly forgot that this wasn't what was expected of him, not what he was supposed to do. He had never been particularly devout, but in that moment he could swear that he was put on this earth to kiss Loras' lips.

Over time, it dawned on him that it was much Loras' secret as his own. His initial concerns were washed away as he began to understand Loras better. In a land where money was god, no one was as close to divinity as the Tyrells, with the exception of the Lannisters, of course. Money didn't interest Loras as much as other men and that made him in a sense trustworthy. His family was richer than the Baratheons and in combination with the Tyells being less powerful, they were a perfect match. Out of all the men in the realm, it was in Loras that he had the least to fear.

One month they went to Highgarden with an acceptable amount of entourage from Storm's End. Loras had wanted him to meet his family and he had been very curious to see where such a flower as Loras Tyrell had sprung from. Naturally, the official reason for their visit had been something completely different but that was of little importance. Seeing the way Loras' father adored his son made Renly wonder what his own father would think of him if he saw him now, but also made him see that a man so loved had little need for the love of someone else unless they wished it so. At least that was what he imagined. In private, Loras would confide to him how his increasing notoriety was burdening, as it increased the necessity to keep the things closest to his heart secret.

"But why do you still do it?" Renly asked. "Fighting, I mean."

Loras shrugged. "Why do fish swim? I like being good at something. As the third son I have to do something to keep myself busy. I don't have the pressure of finding a good marriage like Margaery or taking over Highgarden one day."

"I'm the third son, I don't enter jousts or make women forget their husbands at the sight of me."

Loras traced the outline of Renly's face with his hand. "You're different. You're the king's brother. You already have a reputation, a name. You are the kindest lord in all the Seven Kingdoms. You have people's respect. And my love. Let the women forget their men, I pay them no attention."

It was impossible not to smile at that. As Loras kissed him, Renly couldn't help but think that with Loras, he would always be happy. Even without speaking about their worries openly, they understood each other. He was his friend and the family he had always wanted. With him by his side he perhaps stood a chance of becoming a good man, as unlikely as it was, and avoid the curse of unhappiness that seemed to flow in his veins. A curse that had already taken his brothers. With Loras, he could perhaps be happy forever.

the end.


End file.
